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The Ways of the Gays/Issue 1
BrentWolf ----- BrentWolf couldn’t help but to admire PimpPen’s SWAG. The owner of Faggotville Community Brothel and Daycare Center oozed SWAG out of his every orifice. It was a well known fact that he shitted gold chains, pissed piercings, and if he picked his nose then his finger would come out covered in molten silver. He was the epitome of SWAG. From his ginger beard to his ginger hair to his ginger…well, that was a one time thing. “Hey m8” PimpPen SWAGGED as he SWAGGED over to his friend. “Hey you sexy ginger mofo” BrentWolf replied, groping PimpPen’s crotch with his third hand. The accident where he lost his dick (he got reckless while motorboating Juan’s manboobs) still traumatised him, but it’s replacement, a third arm, was amazing. The only problem was, when he got finger boners, he couldn’t close his hand. As he felt his thumb start to stiffen, he withdrew his hand. “Hooker pls” he asked PimpPen. “K m8” Pimp SWAGGED. He SWAGGED over to the counter and SWAGGED the intercom button. “Kaley get your candy ass down here m8” he SWAGGED into the microphone. BrentWolf was simply in awe at the sheer SWAG he was seeing, but he was pissed too. “Why can’t I choose my hooker >:( “ he whined. “Because” Pimp SWAGGED. “Kaley is our only hooker you fucking dumbass m8.” “What about Katie and Bloxxette?” “Katie will only do porn now, and Bloxx has gone independent.” PimpPen SWAGGED as he SWAGGED down on the leather sofa. SWAG began to stream from his eyes as he SWAGGED. “Oh why can’t I run a good whorehouse m8?” “You run a great whorehouse m8” he told PimpPen. “You think m8” Pimp asked. “Yeh.” ----- Kaley ----- Kaley, or has her selling name was, Kaley Le Cheaphookercunt, had just finished getting changed into the costume for her newest appointment. BrentWolf, a dirty old man and regular customer, liked her to wear a sheep costume. At first she thought it was because he thought himself to be a real wolf, but she learned at a later date that it was far less complicated. He didn’t think that he was a wolf at all, he was just Welsh. She was fucking ROASTING inside the hot costume, but as Master PimpPen has always SWAGGED, “the customer knows best, unless they’re a feminist.” BrentWolf really did know best, in fact, was her favourite customer. His cock was as thick as an arm and it had a head liked a balled fist, but she’d never seen it, because he always made her turn off the lights. Sometimes she wondered if he was just fisting her, but she didn’t care, as long as he paid her. She only cared about two things, wangers and wonga. With a smile, she went to leave. Just as she opened the door to the hallway, Katie, her old tag-team partner turned pornstar, walked in. She felt Katie honk her tit, and then turned to watch the girl lie down on the bed and spread her legs. “Do me a favour babe?” Katie asked with a wink. “Maybe later, when you’ve washed the semen out of that cauldron you call a vagina.” “Whore!” Katie screamed, hurling a pillow at Kaley. “Slut!” Kaley replied, hurling a dildo at Katie. It hit her in the face and knocked her out, at which point Kaley went over and teabagged her. That was the secret code of all transsexual hookers: “if someone pisses you off, dunk your balls in their mouth.” Besides, English bitches were meant to like tea. ----- BrentWolf ----- “Here’s your whore m8” PimpPen SWAGGED to BrentWolf as Kaley entered the foyer, adorned in the finest sheep costume that money could buy. BrentWolf’s armcock immediately sprung to attention, and Kaley shook the hand, not realising that he could feel every little vibration. She was giving him a free handjob and she didn’t even know it, until cum fired out of his wrist like a perverted version of Spiderman’s web shooter. Kaley swallowed it all because lol she’s a slag. The pair began to walk away, until BrentWolf felt PimpPen’s hand SWAG down onto his shoulder? “Can you year that m8?” PimpPen SWAGGED. “baa” Kaley replied, still in character. “Hear what?” BrentWolf asked. “Those voices m8” PimpPen SWAGGED, SWAGPALMING his face in despair. “Free the girls! Free the girls!” came voices from outside. “Oh ffs m8” PimpPen SWAGGED. ‘it’s Hippo’s Happy Hippies again…” “Who?” BrentWolf asked. “baa” replied Kaley, again, still in character. “Feminists” Pimp SWAGGED angrily. ----- Hippo ----- “What do we want? EQUALITY! When do we want it? NOW!” Hippo bellowed into the xylophone. He hadn’t been able to get a hold of a megaphone, so he figured that this would do. He was the leader of Hippo’s Happy Hippies and HE DESERVED TO BE HEARD BECAUSE HE WAS THE KING!!!!!!1!!! “Good job, King Hippo! You’re teaching them a lesson!” reassured his friend Lee, who as always, was wrong. After all, if Lee were a meme, he’d be the Bad Idea Dog. The only person not to see this was Hippo, who saw him as a valuable espionage expert. “I agree” said Dark, the token black guy who did nothing but agree with Hippo and Lee. He was such a fucking GANGSTA. “Kung High-poo, I has n ideer” said Gavin, someone so retarded that even his speech had spelling mistakes. “Yes Gav?” Hippo replied, majestically swooshing his cape. “Cun wee h8 dem gais 2?” “But gay people aren’t oppressing women, they’re either men who leave women alone or women who fuck women which is hawt." “But you see” Gavin said perfectly, talking in a moment of CHRISTIAN PASSION AND PURITY. “The gays are the worst sexists. Gay men are just two men plotting against women, and lesbians are traitors who oppress their own sex.” “Good point, let’s do it!” Hippo cheered, squeeing like a little girl. “Save the girls! Kill the gays!” The whole crowd of four feminists joined in, chanting “Save the girls! Kill the gays!” until PimpPen SWAGGED on the speakers and drowned them out with Skrillex music.